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Parody of the classic poem
written by Clement Clark Moore
By Dave Howard and Greg Wray
‘Twas the night before
Christmas, and at The Big House,
Rich was at his desk pointing and clicking his mouse.
Darlene and all of the R.T. staff were there,
To help all of the patients get better air.
The talk was of P.F.s and
Circulaire nebs,
And using the bronchoscope to look at blebs.
And in the A.B.G. lab that Maloziec chap-
Busily prepared for the survey by CAP.
When up on the roof there arose
such a clatter-
We all tore up the stairs to see what was the matter.
We got to the door, opened it like a flash,
And to our amazement we saw a big crash
The entire
roof had an ethereal glow,
As we saw red and green lights reflect off the snow
By now it should seem to be perfectly clear-
On the roof was a sleigh with nine tiny reindeer.
But the red suited driver
appeared to be sick-
We knew that we had to help the old man quick.
Then suddenly we heard Doc Mayda exclaim-
That to get this man better is our solo aim.
“Now Tammy
and Shelly a PF please begin!
And David and Cathy set up for some bronkin’!
And someone grab a gas – we must hurry you all;
We have to find out why this man hit the wall!”
Well the
ABG showed on this jolly old guy:
That his PCO2 reading was way too high.
He also was showing a low PO2.
He then was entrusted to the PFT crew.
And then
as we watched him blow an FV LOOP,
We heard an odd stridor, quite not unlike croup.
And we saw the tracing was an oval like round-
Not at all like the sharp angle normally found.
The data
was there, it seemed hard to dispute:
A fixed airway obstruction, most likely acute.
So after a vow to look after his sack-
He was placed in the bronk room, carefully on his back.
Doc M.
quickly stated that we mustn’t tarry
We must do this quickly or it might get hairy
So Cathy and Dave (that dynamic duo!)
Gave Doc Mayda the scope – then he said: “here we go.”
The sinewy
scope, with its shiny black sheath,
Went to the epiglottis, slinking like a thief.
And then it appeared – so plainly we could all see
The item that caused his breathing difficulty
And so
with precision, and a cunning like stealth,
The object was extracted, restoring his health.
It was a berry, perfectly round and red.
The man then sat up, turned to face us and said:
“I love
this job so, but my favorite perk
Is kissing the missus ‘fore I go to work
But this year between us was some mistletoe
I carelessly sneezed, and the rest you all know.”
He then
was given his medical dismissal,
And he lit through the sky like a patriot missile.
And we heard him exclaim as he flew out of site:
“Happy Christmas to all, thank you all, and good night.”
Written in
2000, © 2002 by
David A. Howard and Gregory A. Wray
Narrators:
Dave and Greg
Noises: Dave
Malinich
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